(Last?) Return trip to Mukilteo

"I do not welcome you to come back home"

I haven’t told many people the truth about my relationship with my family because I don’t want to come off as some angsty teenager who’s going through some phase. When people ask of my parents or siblings, I usually tell them very general information while avoiding the truth behind the bonds that hold us together. 

The truth is, my relationship with my family has been pretty rocky. Although there are a myriad number of reasons on why, one of the biggest reasons is the lack of respect between each member. When we argue, we don’t argue for the sake of trying to better each other, we argue for the sake of putting others down. When we do specific actions, we don’t consider the fact that it might affect others, we only think of ourselves. It’s essentially a system of an indifferent attitude towards each other. Instead of being a family of four, we’re just four individuals living in the same household. 

We do have times where we are cohesive and we are like a family. I’ve had many posts about the “good times” we have. My parents still pay for everything that I own, including tuition and my clothes.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% grateful that they do this. I’m 100% grateful that I even have a family. It’s just as of late (since sophomore year started), we really haven’t been able to come to terms on anything. 

With all of this said, my relationship with my family since the summer started has taken a nose-dive. The reason why I’ve decided to stay in Seattle is because as of late, every time I go home I manage to get into a disastrous argument with my family. It’s to the point where it’s better to stay away in means to avoid all conflict.

This weekend, I was to go home with a few things on the agenda. One of them was to celebrate my dad’s birthday. Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned and the words “I do not welcome you to come back home” came up. It sucks to hear that but at the same time I understand. We haven’t been able to come to terms on anything and going through the same process over and over doesn’t really help.

I’m not really sure what the future holds right now and it certainly doesn’t help that I have other things to worry about as well. All I really know right now is that I’m probably not going to be back in Mukilteo for awhile.

Lately I’ve found myself coasting and I haven’t been getting the results I want. I’ve written a lot of quotes in the past as a source of motivation but this is one I haven’t heard in a long time. Thanks @kingfu23 for sharing.

#motivation #quote #breakingceilings #whiteboard

Lately I’ve found myself coasting and I haven’t been getting the results I want. I’ve written a lot of quotes in the past as a source of motivation but this is one I haven’t heard in a long time. Thanks @kingfu23 for sharing.

#motivation #quote #breakingceilings #whiteboard

Overwhelmed.

Let’s just start off with the fact that I’m not having the greatest day of my life.

It started with me losing my headphones in the middle of the day. Normally it’s not that big of a deal; it happens. But losing things like this doesn’t happen this frequently. In the span of two weeks I’ve lost two objects that are worth relatively ~$40. It irritates me to end because it’s almost like it’s a habit. Now that I’ve started to work, I know how hard it is to make money and losing 5 hours of work just like that really doesn’t make things any better. 

The day just got worse as I took my orgo lab test. Orgo lab test, admittedly isn’t something I’m very good at because the class is structured very differently. Essentially, all the information is searched online so basically if you’re good at online searching for answers, then you’ll be set for this class. Me, on the other hand, thrive in situations where everything is organized. For a class to be this organized makes things extremely difficult because I don’t really know where to find certain material. You pretty much know where this is going; I did pretty terrible on my orgo lab test. 

Next on the list was having to pay my “debt” for having to get a new card. I kinda got over it until I had to ask my dad if I could use his bank account to pay it (because essentially that was the only option I had). I understand the situation, it’s really hard to trust your bank account information to your nine-teen year old son; especially when he’s a clutz. It was more than frustrating to guide him through the series of web-pages because you know, older parents are pretty bad with technology. The fact that it was all my fault made things even worse.

There are a myriad of other problems that I have right now that would probably make this post unbearly long so maybe I’ll post it another time.It doesn’t help that I have a lab report and a pre-lab tomorrow; there’s really no time to just sit down and relax.

But you know what? That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Under all this mountain of stress, I really need to take a step-back. 

PS: To make matters worse, there’s a bug in my room that I just lost my sight on.

Studying at McDonald’s because everywhere else is either closed or full. 10/10 would do again. 
#mcdonalds #orgo #study

Studying at McDonald’s because everywhere else is either closed or full. 10/10 would do again.
#mcdonalds #orgo #study

Empty.

I don’t know why or how but today’s just been pretty empty. It’s not like I have nothing to do: I had work in the morning, vocal lessons are coming in an hour, and tonight I’ll be studying for my upcoming orgo lab test. 

Maybe it’s because everything seems like a mess in my room. Or it’s because this day has been going pretty slow. Or that everything is starting to become quite routine. Who knows.

I know one thing for sure, I don’t really have that “hungry” desire for anything anymore. It seems like everything I want is already a work in progress and I’m taking the steps to achieve them. There’s just really nothing to look forward to because everything is essentially the same.

Yea, I guess that’s it. There’s really nothing to look forward to and even if I have “things” to do in the future, none of it seems to bring me up. And more so, it seems like I’ve lost the initial reason on “why” I want to achieve these certain things. 

Hopefully this feeling goes away because feeling like an empty void isn’t very pleasant. 

Welcome to the weekend lab crew. Come join us as we listen to Sara Bareilles and heavy death metal. 

#lab #weekend #yeast

Welcome to the weekend lab crew. Come join us as we listen to Sara Bareilles and heavy death metal.

#lab #weekend #yeast

"Try".
Try everything you’ve got. No reason to be fearful of trying. If you want something at the very least you have to try.
Try, try, try.
I swear to god by the end of the day if I don’t talk to her, I don’t know what to do with myself.

"Try".

Try everything you’ve got. No reason to be fearful of trying. If you want something at the very least you have to try.

Try, try, try.

I swear to god by the end of the day if I don’t talk to her, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Unfortunately I couldn’t find any pictures of the both of us, so this is  more of a shout out than a #tbt. Props to Walter Chen for being my mentor when I was growing up in high school. Our weekly guitar practice sessions are just one of the many things that I’m eternally grateful for. Hope things go well in California!

#guitar #sfcc #highschool #mentor

Unfortunately I couldn’t find any pictures of the both of us, so this is more of a shout out than a #tbt. Props to Walter Chen for being my mentor when I was growing up in high school. Our weekly guitar practice sessions are just one of the many things that I’m eternally grateful for. Hope things go well in California!

#guitar #sfcc #highschool #mentor

Late night walks.

It all started when I was living in LA. My time in LA was one of the more harder times in my life. My dad had just lost his job so we had to move in with our grandparents. To make a long story short, my grandparents weren’t very fond of my mother because of his past marriage. It got to the point where my grandparents would try to mistreat her as munch as possible; whether it was talking behind her back or just not letting her use some of the resources around the house. Because of all of this, I got pretty close to my mom. As a ten-year old adolescent, you don’t really know the full-story on most things. But seeing my mom suffer like that just didn’t feel right, so I tried my best to comfort her. 

One thing that I did a lot was go on late night walks with her. I’m not really sure why she frequently went out to walk, although I assume it was probably to get a fresh of breath air and get away from all the stress. Although there were times where I was irritated, I tried to accompany her as much as possible because I just felt like that was the right thing to do. So on most nights it’d just be me, my neon-green flip flops that were too small for my feet and my mother walking around the neighborhood.

Fast forward about eight years and I’ve found myself doing the same thing, although this time it’s alone. Under all the stress that school, friend-drama, and whatever there is out there can bring; it’s always nice to take a break, pop in some music, and just walk. 

One thing I remember before I went to college was that I really wanted to go on late-night walks with other people. It’s just something about the atmosphere at night that makes listening to other people’s life stories that much better. Although it’s been two years and I haven’t been able to get anyone to do it with me (I’ll be the first to admit that it’s kind of weird) I hope that I’ll be able to do it before I graduate.

Yesterday was one of one of the most stressful nights I’ve had in awhile.

In around two hours I’ll have my first organic chemistry test of the quarter; the first since winter quarter. Organic chemistry has been one of my stronger subjects in college so like all the other times, I’ve put some pretty high expectations on myself. In almost all cases,

The subject has pretty come to me at ease; there hasn’t been any time where things were too difficult for me to understand. Yesterday was a little different. Like always, I prepared by writing out everything that will be covered on the test and then taking a couple practice exams.

To my bewilderment, I pretty much failed them which, as cocky as it sounds, doesn’t happen frequently. I began stressing out because I haven’t had the feeling of “failing” in awhile, especially in a class where I thought I should be doing well.

If there’s anything I’ve learned year, it’s that music is a powerful tool. In my moment of anxiety and stress I decided to pop up two songs from Modest Mouse called “The World at Large + Float On”. The lyrics are pretty much self-explanatory: sometimes the world gets a little bit overwhelming but you don’t need to worry because in the end you’ll end up floating on. 

Maybe I’m just easily influenced but I could literally feel the stress begin to ease off my shoulders. Even if I do end up “failing” this upcoming exam, I’ll still “float on”.

Stress.

Usually I’m never really worried about orgo tests just because I find it to be one of my strengths.

This time I might’ve overestimated myself.